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Accepting Him “As Is”

August 15, 2011

I think that one of THE biggest mistakes women make in a relationship is that they think that they can and should change their love interest – “creating” him into their idea of perfection.  “If he’d only do/be/stop this or that….”. How unfair!  How offended would we be if the man we loved tried to change or “improve” us? All of us want to be loved for who we are, how we are and where we are. You can’t “make” someone better – they have to want to become a better person on their own. In a healthy relationship, the folks in that relationship – and this principal applies to either a romantic or platonic relationship – become better because of the passive positive influence and example of the other. In fact, no nagging, coercion, manipulation or ultimatums are part of a healthy relationship. My own personal definition of the perfect relationship? Finding someone whose faults you can live with and they with yours. Which brings me to the second thing you should understand and that is the importance of: 

Fun

The first thing you need to realize about fun is that it – like personality – is totally subjective.  Some men are football fanatics – some like golf.  For others, the only activity they enjoy involves nothing more than channel surfing and poppin’ a cold one.  So the important things to know about fun are to make sure his idea of fun is either (a) the same as yours or (b) compatible with your interests.

So, accept your love’s interests (a caveat here: those interests must be objectively moral, legal and/or ethical to be acceptable) and then let it be.  What he likes is part of who he is and if he doesn’t want to change, what gives you the right to re-create him? Trying to change anyone often only leads to resentment, frustration and anger.  Who wants to live like or come home to that? By accepting his interests – and perhaps making them yours as well – you are accepting him. And, acceptance is one of the most fundamental things desired from any relationship. 

What I’m NOT referring to here is being something YOU aren’t. If you could care less about NFL stats but are married to a devoted fan, don’t feign an interest in the sport. But, at least respect his interest and take advantage of the time he’s watching a game to do something you know he’d rather not and would not mind you doing without him. So, don’t get cute and go on a “revenge shopping spree” or go to a movie you know he also wants to see – that’s just being mean and manipulative. Instead, by making the decision to be respectful and accepting of his “fun”, he’ll love you that much more for being his dream woman: one who accepts him “as is”.

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