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Give It A Year

August 29, 2011

In the movie “When Harry Met Sally” Sally was best friends with Harry and living with her boyfriend who had yet to “take it to the next level” and propose.  Boyfriend told Sally that he just wasn’t into marriage and Sally accepted that as well as his request for “more space” – so he moved out…and on.  Probably the most poignant scene in the movie was when Sally was crying on Harry’s shoulder several months after the “time out” over the fact that her former boyfriend had gotten married.  She had thought that after she “gave him space” – and time – that he’d come back and they could resume their relationship where they’d left off.  She tearfully realized that “he wanted to get married, just not to me.”

When I first saw that movie, I was reminded of some advice I heard from 2 completely different
sources (both older women):  if a man – defined as someone who had completed his education, has a job, etc. – doesn’t decide within a year of serious dating that the woman he is keeping company with should be at least approached about taking things to the “next level,” (i.e., a permanent commitment) then that same woman needs to heed the experience of the aforementioned Sally. In other words, after a year, if a permanent relationship is something you want but he hasn’t at least begun to talk about “putting a
ring on it” – you probably need to move on, as painful as that might be.

But I love him! That may be true, but what if he doesn’t love you the same way?  You can’t make him feel the way you do – and why would you want to “make” him anyway? Don’t you deserve to have someone be
as spontaneously crazy about you as you are about him? The reality – the simple truth – is that if a man wants you, he will pursue you, will want to make you his and his alone and he will want the world to know.  And, he’ll want to do it sooner rather than later. Period. It’s just the way men are wired.

Now, there are plenty of men who will find a comfortable relationship and just park it with no intention
of ever making a permanent commitment. This doesn’t make them bad – lazy perhaps or opportunistic – but not bad. Sadly, the woman they are involved with may be so blinded by her own feelings that she allows the relationship to languish hoping that one day he will miraculously wake up and feel about her
the way she wants and needs him to. Highly unlikely. Again, if a permanent commitment is something you want, then you need to find a man who is like-minded. And, you won’t find that man as long as you are wasting time with someone who isn’t thinking along those lines. It doesn’t make him a bad man –
he’s just not the man for you.

The past month, I’ve talked about the only 3 things you really need to know about how to nourish and maintain a relationship with the man in your life. The key for you to be happy in a relationship is to find someone who is as interested in nourishing and maintaining his relationship with you as you are with him. It’s that simple. And, you won’t find that someone as you wait on a recalcitrant suitor to decide that you’re “the one” – because you probably aren’t.

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