If You Want To Be Loved…
One of my favorite quotes of all time is from the 1st Century Roman poet, Ovid: If you want to be loved, be lovable. I actually have a necklace with a pendant that has this quotation inscribed in Hebrew. When someone notices the Hebrew inscription and inquires about the meaning, my response always invokes a smile and a nod of understanding. It is such a simple truth. And, it is a truth that needs to be remembered – particularly during holiday season when family gatherings are expected and sometimes dreaded.
As a child, I was often perplexed by the behavior of some of the adults in my family whenever there was a get-together. Most would act pleasantly, but there was always the odd one or two who seemed loaded for bear. They would use the occasion to let others know their displeasure over something, make snide comments, have a “chip on their shoulder” and/or try to make everyone else miserable because they were. The irony of the behavior of these folks is that, in reality, I sensed that what they really wanted was to be accepted and loved – even though they were acting in ways that were neither acceptable nor loving.
So, as I grew up – being the brilliant child that I was – it dawned on me that the best way to have others accept and like/love you was to be likeable and loving. As I became aware of the people whom others admired and looked up to in my family, I realized that this is how they behaved.
Now, I know that I’m not always likeable or loving to everyone – who is? But I do know – I have learned – that your chances of being loved/admired/liked by most people increases when you act lovingly towards them. This concept is especially important to remember when interacting with in-laws, siblings and other family members with whom having a loving relationship can be wrought with challenges and pitfalls. So, this holiday season, resolve to put aside your defenses, make an intellectual decision to enjoy the family gathering and act lovingly toward everyone you encounter. And, if you behave this way every time you are around these same folks, you just might be surprised at the results. After all, for most people, it is hard for to be nasty/mean/sarcastic/defensive toward someone who treats them well.
Vanilla Wafer Cake
This cake is one of my Uncle’s favorites. It’s one of mine too. My grandmother used to make it for him at Christmas when he and his family would come for a visit. She’d hide it so he’d have most of it to enjoy himself, but I’d always find it. I learned at an early age just how to slice a tube cake thinly so no one would miss it. I only admitted this to the family a few years ago. Ah….good times!
Vanilla Wafer Cake
1 cup room-temperature butter
2 cups granulated sugar
6 room-temperature eggs
1 (12 oz) box vanilla wafers crushed
½ cup milk
7 oz flaked coconut
1 cup chopped pecans
Preheat oven to 375 degrees
Spray a tube pan (angel food cake pan) with non-stick baking spray that has flour and oil. Cut and place some parchment paper to fit on the bottom.
Cream butter and sugar, gradually add eggs, beat until smooth.
Add crushed vanilla wafers alternately with milk, then add coconut and pecans.
Mix well, pour into greased and floured tube pan and bake at 375 for about 1½ hours.
Let cool in pan for 20-30 minutes, release sides from pan, then lift cake out by tube portion of pan. After further cooling, use a knife to be sure bottom of cake is released from the pan. Then remove cake and turn right side up. This cake will keep for several days in an airtight container.
If desired, the cake can be pierced all over the top and have coconut rum poured over it to soak in.
Out of Focus
As I was reading some of the latest Facebook posts from friends, there was one that really made me go “ARGHH!” I don’t want to directly quote the post as I never like throwing anyone under the bus and I certainly don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I’ll just give the gist. It went something like this: “I’ve decided that I need to focus on me because I’m the only one I can depend on.”
O.K. – so some of you may think that the last part is an accurate statement. But I’m here to tell you that it isn’t. I don’t know who the person wrote it is friends with but if he/she doesn’t feel as if or think that they have anyone in their life they can depend on (someone in their family?), well folks, that’s about the saddest place in which a human being can be. Everybody needs somebody that they feel they can depend on to “be there” no matter what – even the most unlovable and disenfranchised among us. And I really believe that most – if not all of us – have someone.
Which makes me believe that perhaps the writer of the post really does have people he/she can depend on for what is truly important but isn’t getting other things from those folks. You know, he/she could be making unreasonable demands, be pulling a fit over not getting something they desire, etc. To which I’d have to respond, “thank you so much for warning us all.”
I’d thank them for warning us because – in my experience – people who focus on themselves are insufferably narcissistic. Oh, I know about all of the blah blah about loving yourself, being good to yourself, etc. And I’m not advocating martyrdom, but trust me folks, very few of us are at risk of being self-loathers.
Now if the writer intends to focus on him/herself in order to improve the internal aspects of who they are, to explore ways to build a stronger character, etc., then I’d say, “bravo!” Why? Because doing so will be a discovery that that kind of self –focus actually takes the focus off of you and places it on others. With that sort of self-focus comes the realization that your greatest happiness lies in the positive influence and impact you can have on someone else’s life. You know, you become the person that others can depend on and they love and admire you for it. And that folks is a very rewarding place to be.
Take Time To Breathe
This is the holiday season and with it comes an increase in anxiety that is fueled by spending money that you may or may not have, preparations, decorating, partying, family visits – you know, all of the commotion that surrounds this time of year. So, for many of us, our last nerve is being stretched way too thin.
One way to avoid too much anxiety and/or stress and strain is to map out a plan and organize your ideas and activities that you feel you must do in order to fulfill your obligations to others and to yourself. I began doing this when I found myself with two young children and a demanding social calendar. I learned that if I didn’t organize and pace myself, Christmas preparations would never get done and I would feel like a failure. Since I don’t like self-inflicted wounds, I figured out how to wrangle and conquer all that I needed to. The culmination of this was my book, Christmas List Organizer. To this day, I use it personally and would be lost without it during the holidays.
Besides organizing my thoughts/ideas/activities, to survive the season with all of my nerves intact and functioning as they should, I have also learned to take time to simply breathe and be still. Or, to do something that brings my heart simple joy – like watching a favorite uplifting movie, playing with a dog or cat, kissing and nuzzling a baby – you know, activities that touch and open your heart. Activities that make you smile. I did all of those last Christmas and I fully intend to do them again this Christmas. I highly recommend it.
Apricot Brandy Pound Cake
I tried this recipe out for the first time with my mother-in-law’s Baptist Sunday school group. But before I served it, I disclosed that it had real apricot brandy in it and was disclosing that fact because I was sensitive to their religious beliefs. The group was silent for a few seconds until one lady piped up, “we aren’t THAT Baptist!” They loved it and I hope you do too!
Apricot Brandy Pound Cake
If possible, use all natural extracts – they taste better than imitation
3 cups sugar
1 cup butter
6 eggs
3 cups flour
¼ tsp. baking soda
½ tsp. salt
½ tsp. rum flavoring
1 tsp. almond extract
1 tsp. orange extract
½ tsp. lemon extract
1 tsp. Mexican vanilla extract
½ cup apricot brandy
1 cup sour cream
Grease and flour the bottom/sides of a large tube pan (bundt or angel is okay). Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Cream butter and sugar. Add eggs, one at a time, beating thoroughly after each. Sift together flour, baking soda and salt.
Combine sour cream, flavorings and brandy. Add alternately flour and sour cream mixtures to the sugar mixture. Mix just until blended. Pour into pan and bake for 70 minutes or until done; cake will be golden with splits in top.
Are You Disposable?
Today, I was on a flight to Los Angeles and happened to sit next to a younger woman who was on her way to visit and stay with a friend who just had a baby and whose husband was getting ready to deploy for the second time.
We talked about the challenges her friend was facing: the worry, the feelings of being alone while raising an infant, the homesickness for friends and family, etc. Having a son who has deployed twice and also having had to raise my own children far from family, I could relate to and understand my seatmate’s friend’s concerns.
She mentioned the age her friend was when she married her soldier husband – twenty – and her age when she gave birth to their first child – twenty three. She said she was happy for her friend as she and her husband got along well and seemed to really love each other. I commented that it was rare these days to hear of such a young couple who seemed so committed to each other and their marriage. My seatmate agreed, She then made a haunting statement: “My generation tends to see relationships as disposable.” I couldn’t and didn’t respond – I just nodded my head in agreement. And, I was saddened because, I knew she was right.
So what can be done about that perception? Who – or what – led an entire generation to see themselves – and their relationships as disposable? I think – no I know – the answers to those questions. But, they are answers that no one really wants to hear because all of the answers involve something that no one wants to have to engage in: sacrifice.
So, instead of getting on my soapbox, I just want to pose this question: Are you disposable? Something to ponder. Deeply.
It Was Really Truly Worth It
One thing I’ve noticed is how fervently people feel about adhering to certain holiday traditions – especially the food. Over the past week, I heard more than one debate on various shows that addressed the preference of canned versus cooked cranberry sauce. Cranberry sauce? I didn’t realize folks would get so riled up about something that you can’t even consider a side dish. It’s more of an accompaniment – kind of like butter or chutney.
So when I began deciding on the menu and gathering the recipes together that I needed to prepare our Thanksgiving meal, I remembered those debates. There were 15 items on my list – and none were negotiable. Leaving off any one item would have resulted in disappointment on someone’s face – just as if I served canned cranberry sauce to a homemade sauce aficionado.
But whose fault is it that I had that much to cook? I have to confess – it’s mine. Why? Because I actually asked what everyone wanted – and no one said “whatever you prepare will be fine.” And, everyone had a favorite side or dessert, etc. So, I cooked. Everything.
And, every minute I spent was worth it. Why? Well, first of all, I really do enjoy cooking food that I know others will enjoy. But also because it underscored my understanding of the importance of food as a bonding agent and the associated and future memories that comes from that bonding. I believe it all boils down to the fact that food keeps us connected to our past as we live our present and futures.
Oh, and just for the record, I served homemade cranberry sauce – and no one was disappointed.
Banana Pudding Pie
The first time I ever made this pie, the folks I served it to didn’t say a word. They just kept eating as they gazed at their plates. I was worried. Maybe it wasn’t good and they were too polite to say anything or push it aside. Then I took a bite myself. I think I had a moment – it was so amazingly delicious! Finally one of my guests came up for air and declared the pie “outstanding.” And, it is. Enjoy!!
BANANA PUDDING PIE
1 9” vanilla wafer crust OR regular baked pie crust
VANILLA WAFER CRUST
1 ½ cups finely crushed vanilla wafers
2 tbsp. sugar
1/8 tsp. salt
5 tbsp. unsalted butter, melted and slightly cooled
½ tsp. Mexican vanilla extract
Preheat oven to 350. Combine the crust ingredients in a medium sized bowl and stir until the crumbs are evenly moistened. Firmly press the mixture into the bottom and up the sides to the rim of a 9”pie plate, forming a crust. Place in the oven and bake until golden and crisp – about 8 – 10 minutes. Let cool on a wire rack
BANANA FILLING
¾ cup sugar
3 tbsp. cornstarch
1 vanilla bean or 1 TBSP. pure vanilla bean paste
½ tsp. Mexican vanilla extract
1 can of evaporated milk + enough regular milk to equal 2 cups of liquid, total
3 large egg yolks, lightly beaten
3 tbsp. unsalted, melted butter and slightly cooled
2 firm, ripe bananas, peeled and thinly sliced
About 1 cup of whole vanilla wafers
Combine the sugar and cornstarch in a medium sized bowl. If using a vanilla bean, using the tip of a paring knife, split the vanilla bean lengthwise and scrape out the inner seeds from both sides of the bean with the edge of the knife. Whisk the seeds into the sugar mixture, then slowly beat in the milk mixture in a thin, steady stream. Whisk in the in egg yolks, one at a time. Transfer the mixture to a medium size, heavy saucepan and cook over low to medium heat, whisking constantly and gently until it thickens – about 8 minutes. Remove from the heat and whisk in the vanilla and melted butter until thoroughly combined.
Arrange the sliced banana over the bottom crust. Pour half the pudding over the bananas, spreading it evenly with a rubber spatula. Arrange a single layer of whole vanilla wafers on top of the pudding. Pour the remaining pudding over the wafers and spread it evenly with the spatula. Top with meringue.
MERINGUE
3 large egg whites – room temperature
½ tsp. vanilla extract
¼ tsp. cream of tartar
1/3 cup of sugar
In a medium sized bowl, beat together 1st 3 ingredients with an electric mixer until soft peaks form. Gradually add the sugar, 1 tbsp. at a time, beating continuously until the sugar is completely dissolve and shiny, stiff peaks form.
Mound the meringue in the center of the pie, then spread it evenly around the edge of the inner crust. Use a spoon to create a design of peaks and valleys all over the meringue OR use a flat metal blade spatula to create a beehive looking mound. Place in the oven and bake until the meringue is nicely browned – 8 – 10 minutes. Let cool for 30 minutes on a wire rack then chill at least 1 hour before serving.
Hate is NEVER Funny
I caught an interview that was part of a media promotion for a new sitcom. The title horrified me and made my hair explode: I Hate My Teenage Daugher. Before I even have the opportunity to view an episode (it’ll premier November 30th on Fox) I really don’t want it to succeed as I believe shows like this poison popular culture and negatively influences folks’ acceptance of what constitutes healthy parenting and teenage behavior.
According to the interview I heard and clip I saw, the show is about two mothers of popular teenage daughters. The mothers weren’t at all popular in high school – and in fact were outcasts. So they are intimidated by and enabling of their smart-mouthed, disrespectful, arrogant daughters who are best friends. Great. Just what we need – another television show that highlights behaviors that need not be emulated or accepted. By anyone. (I’ve written a book on this topic: http://www.medorasmarket.com/howtosurviveandsucceedinlifewithoutbeingabitchorabully)
Oh come on, you might be thinking. It’s only a TV show – most people will just laugh at the jokes, perhaps identify with the mothers and the challenge of raising teenagers. However, whether we like to admit it or not, people, topics, etc. gain importance and influence when the spotlight of the media shines upon them. It must be O.K. because it’s on T.V. The subtle – and often overt -messages work their way into our subconsciousness and it becomes a slow fade as society becomes more and more accepting of rude and crude behavior from (in this case) young people and incompetent parenting.
But I don’t want to only comment on the behavior of the teenage daughters. I find the attitude of the mothers equally as disturbing – understanble – but disturbing. I’ve raised teenagers, so I do have the right to have an opinion. I’ve also been a teenager. And, if for one moment had thought that my parents hated me, well, to say that I would have been devestated is an understatement. So, the title alone makes me wonder the impact that it will have on insecure teenagers and their sometimes fragile relationships with their parents.
Now, I’m not for censorship – so please don’t think that is what I’m advocating. What I am for, however, is responsibility and the promotion of values that will encourage and inspire others to seek what is true, good and beautiful. Hate – no matter how “funny” you try and make it – is never good……or beautiful.
Over the Highways and Through the Traffic
My handsome half and I are anticipating the arrival later this week of all 3 of our grown children. The wonderful thing about their “coming home” is that we didn’t have to beg, plead or cajole as they each just let us know that they were planning to spend Thanksgiving with us. At home.
I hear of other families whose younger ones never seem to make time to visit or spend time with family during the holidays. Oh, I know that sometimes a great opportunity arises – like a ski vacation or some fun in the sun around the holidays. And, sometimes, it is work that prevents taking enough time to go make a visit – especially if “home” is farther away than a few hours drive. Hopefully, those travel opportunities and an overloaded work schedule won’t become a habit – or normal.
This year holds a special significance because our son who was deployed to Afghanistan was able to return earlier. Until a few weeks ago, we thought that we wouldn’t have him around the table with us. But, we will – along with our other 2 and the young man to whom our daughter is now engaged.
Needless to say, we are very thankful. Thankful that our “children” want to “come home.” Thankful that they are all healthy. Thankful that they are all employed. And, thankful that they will all make the sacrifice of time and money to drive “over the highway and through the traffic” to come and maintain their relationship with us and each other.
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