More Than Help
I saw the film “The Help” with 4 friends last week. None of them were Southern and discussing with them how things used to be is a whole other blog. The week before that, I read the book in a 2-day marathon as the story was so compelling that I couldn’t put it down. Very few works of fiction have held my attention in that way. For me, I think that the book was a real page-turner because (1) first and foremost, I am Southern – a true G.R.I.T. (girl raised in the South) (2) I lived in Mississippi off and on during my childhood and (3) my family had “help” during one of those times living in Mississippi. Her name was Bessie Mae – and she was my best friend the summer of 1964.
Unlike the ladies of Jackson in “The Help” my mother worked – something very unusual at that time. So, Bessie Mae wasn’t a luxury – she was a necessity. One of the things that I remember about her is that she was an amazing cook. And she, along with my maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather illustrated to my young, impressionable mind the importance of food to strengthening bonds between people. How did she do this? By seeming to enjoy being in the kitchen as she prepared something yummy for my family to enjoy. She’d sing, allow my sister and me to be her sous chefs, joke, laugh – you get the picture. Kitchen time with Bessie Mae was joy time.
The other thing that is a sweet memory is her effectiveness as a teacher – only I wasn’t aware that was what she was doing and she probably wasn’t as well. It was Bessie Mae who helped me learn and remember the different states of the Union as we’d sit on the wall on our property that faced Beach Boulevard in Long Beach, Mississippi. We’d play a game where the first one to see a car with out of state plates would punch – lightly, of course – the one who didn’t. Good times.
But, the thing I remember and miss the most about her is the way she opened her heart. I felt loved, cared about, important and safe with her. Her hugs were sincere and transmitted the depths of her being. Small children like that.
I only saw her once after that summer and early fall of 1964 as my family moved to Birmingham, Alabama in October of that year. She had taken a job at the local Best Western Motel café and when she saw me, I felt as if I’d “come home.” Her reaction to seeing me after several years had passed was one of elation. I once again felt so loved, cared about and important in her presence and hold her reaction to the surprise of my presence and existence as a very dear, cherished memory in my heart. She may have been “the help,” but the services she provided to me, in particular, were none that money could ever buy. Thank you, Bessie Mae – you are remembered with great love, affection and gratitude.
Accepting Him “As Is”
I think that one of THE biggest mistakes women make in a relationship is that they think that they can and should change their love interest – “creating” him into their idea of perfection. “If he’d only do/be/stop this or that….”. How unfair! How offended would we be if the man we loved tried to change or “improve” us? All of us want to be loved for who we are, how we are and where we are. You can’t “make” someone better – they have to want to become a better person on their own. In a healthy relationship, the folks in that relationship – and this principal applies to either a romantic or platonic relationship – become better because of the passive positive influence and example of the other. In fact, no nagging, coercion, manipulation or ultimatums are part of a healthy relationship. My own personal definition of the perfect relationship? Finding someone whose faults you can live with and they with yours. Which brings me to the second thing you should understand and that is the importance of:
Fun
The first thing you need to realize about fun is that it – like personality – is totally subjective. Some men are football fanatics – some like golf. For others, the only activity they enjoy involves nothing more than channel surfing and poppin’ a cold one. So the important things to know about fun are to make sure his idea of fun is either (a) the same as yours or (b) compatible with your interests.
So, accept your love’s interests (a caveat here: those interests must be objectively moral, legal and/or ethical to be acceptable) and then let it be. What he likes is part of who he is and if he doesn’t want to change, what gives you the right to re-create him? Trying to change anyone often only leads to resentment, frustration and anger. Who wants to live like or come home to that? By accepting his interests – and perhaps making them yours as well – you are accepting him. And, acceptance is one of the most fundamental things desired from any relationship.
What I’m NOT referring to here is being something YOU aren’t. If you could care less about NFL stats but are married to a devoted fan, don’t feign an interest in the sport. But, at least respect his interest and take advantage of the time he’s watching a game to do something you know he’d rather not and would not mind you doing without him. So, don’t get cute and go on a “revenge shopping spree” or go to a movie you know he also wants to see – that’s just being mean and manipulative. Instead, by making the decision to be respectful and accepting of his “fun”, he’ll love you that much more for being his dream woman: one who accepts him “as is”.
BLT Ranch Dip
When you live in a warm climate, cool, creamy dips are part of most any gathering. I made this BLT Ranch Dip for the 1st time this past spring and took it to a neighborhood party. I went to visit with some friends for a few minutes and when I returned to the dip to see if I needed to replenish the accompanying chips – the dip was all gone! Mine wasn’t the only dip there, but evidently it quickly became the favorite as word spread – “you gotta try this!” – amongst the party-goers. So it is with great confidence that I share it with you as I’m sure it will be as well received as it was at that gathering.
There are a couple of things you’ll want to know about how to make it extra yummy. First if you use Greek yogurt, use only Greek yogurt because it has the consistency of sour cream. Plain, regular yogurt will be too runny and it will taste “yogurty” – neither of which is a good thing. Next, the kind of mayonnaise you use really matters. I personally prefer the “Duke’s” brand – so if you can get it in your area, do so. You won’t regret it. Finally, the “scoops” type of Fritos corn chips taste best with the dip. You can use crackers but the flavor experience just won’t be the same. Trust me.
BLT RANCH DIP
1 TBSP. dry buttermilk ranch dressing mix
1 TBSP. water
1 cup of sour cream or Greek yogurt
½ cup mayonnaise
1 pound of bacon, cooked and crumbled
2 cups seeded and chopped tomatoes (4 -5 Roma tomatoes)
2 dashes of hot pepper sauce
Mix together the water and the dry mix in a large bowl and let stand at least 5 minutes. Whisk in the sour cream or Greek yogurt and mayonnaise until well blended. Gently stir in the bacon, tomatoes and hot pepper sauce. Refrigerate at least 1 hour before serving. Serve cold with scoop style corn chips.
Do Nothing
I wanted to share some insights that Medora #3 – who the earth has been blessed with for 92 ½ years and still counting – shared with me back during the financial crisis of 2008. That same advice is particularly relevant given what’s been going on recently with the financial markets.
Medora #3 was born in 1918 just as World War I was ending. Her earliest childhood memories were of the Roaring Twenties and she came of age of during The Great Depression. She’s lived through several overseas deployments of my grandfather during World War II, lived in Europe during the Marshal Plan, adjusted to the societal changes of the Civil Rights movement in the Deep South in the 1960s, cared for a chronically ill child and elderly parent, buried both parents and her husband before the age of sixty, buried her oldest child and helped raise grandchildren. So, she’s lived through some of life’s major stressors and calamities. I guess if you live as long as she has, that’s expected.
I’ve always respected and regarded her insight and wisdom. My aunt evenly jokingly refers to her as “Mrs. God” at times because she always seems to be right. Not that she thinks she is right –there’s not a bit of arrogance or haughtiness about her – but rather because others recognize that she is. It’s that gift of wisdom that she possesses that makes her my “go to” person for solving the dilemmas I face and have faced in my own life.
So, I called her one fall day in 2008 in a bit of a panic. “What should we do?” I asked. “About what?” she responded. “About everything going to hell-in-a-handbasket. About the prospects of another Great Depression. What should I do? Should I stock pile anything? How should I prepare for my family?” Her one word response? “Nothing.” “What??” I exclaimed, “nothing?” “What you young people forget is that things change. It won’t always be like this. When I was a child during The Depression, most people still had jobs, people still lived life. We helped those who needed it and just got up each morning and tended to our business. We didn’t panic,” she said. “It took awhile but things did get better – so you just have to be patient and get up every day and do what you’re supposed to do.”
Wow. Her simple insight very quickly calmed my fears as I realized that she was – once again – absolutely right. So, even as we face another wild ride with the economy I recall that conversation with my grandmother in 2008 and I am at peace.
Give ‘Em What They Want
Regardless of what any given reality show will lead you to believe, I honestly believe that what women in particular are really looking for is a committed connection – a relationship – and not just a casual hook-up. One thing I’ve observed that worries me is that many women are confused about just how to go about finding a special someone and if they do find somebody, how to nourish and maintain that relationship. Numerous authors have written volumes on these topics which have often only added to the confusion. I don’t know about you, but I really like to keep things simple. In keeping with the theme of this blogsite, I’ve concluded that there are only 3 things that a woman really needs to know and understand. All 3 things begin with the letter “F” (I just love alliteration) – and since each thing is a topic unto itself – I’ll cover these 3 things over the course of 3 different “Mondays With Medora” posts.
FOOD
I read somewhere that the scents that attract men the most are vanilla and cinnamon. Well darlin’, if that’s true, we all need to head to the kitchen pantry instead of the perfume counters! I don’t know about yours, but my grandmother used to say “the way to a man’s heart is through is stomach” (I can hear you rolling your eyes at this!). Since I revered my grandmother as the smartest woman God made and still do, I accepted this without question. However, my daughter is much more skeptical. One day, she had several friends over – one of whom she had a crush on. They were all playing video games in the upstairs den when she appeared in the kitchen and asked, “Mom, is it true that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?” I realized at that moment that she was open to the possibility that I might be right (!) and that she wanted to find a way to detract her potential boyfriend away from his game and attract him to her. I responded, “well, let’s conduct an experiment.” I asked her if she knew what potential boyfriend’s favorite cookie was and she did. And, y’all, that is the most critical part of the food factor: finding out and making his favorite dish(es). So, we whipped up a batch of oatmeal cookies – with lots of cinnamon and vanilla. She then took a plate of warm cookies, stood at the foot of the stairs and fanned the aroma up the stairwell without saying a word……..she was almost run over by a thundering herd of video game playing young men running down the stairs for a cookie. Please applaud me for not saying, “I told you so.”
This food and heart connection holds true for other, non-romantic relationships as well. The reason? We all like/need to feel loved and nurtured – especially as we grow older and begin to lose the very people in our lives who nurtured us as children. Want to show your BFF how much she means to you? Cook her favorite dish for her – especially if you know she’s been going through a tough time. Do you have an older relative to whom you want to express your love and admiration? Again, make them a special treat. It doesn’t have to be fancy or complicated – just something you know that they would enjoy and that perhaps they have not had in quite a while.
“But, I don’t know how to cook!” That’s o.k., many don’t. But I’d be willing to bet you know how to shop. So, if you are challenged in the culinary arts, please don’t fret or fear. There is a reason and purpose for prepared foods. For instance, as much as I enjoy cooking, my daughter prefers tomato basil soup and a croissant from La Madeleine when she isn’t feeling well. The point is, just learn what that important person in your life likes. I promise that you’ll touch their heart in a very profound way, making them feel loved by and important to you.
Double Chocolate Chip Cookies
For my first recipe blog/post, I was going to talk about and explain how to make small cakes in a jar that are perfect for mailing. I decided, instead, to start with something relatively simple and classic – chocolate chip cookies. My recipe is a variation on the regular chocolate chip recipes as there are 2 flavors of chips, more vanilla and toasted nuts (should you want to add them).
If the response I get around my house and from friends is any indication, you’ll find these cookies will be a hit around your house as well. They are different enough to elicit excitement but not so different that folks are puzzled about the kind of cookie they’re eating. That’s important – people want to know what they are eating. And, men especially like easily identifiable foods.
One promise I want to make to you is this: I’ll never post a recipe that I haven’t personally tested and tasted. And since I also trust my handsome half’s candid critiques, any recipe I post has to meet his standards as well. Fortunately we both agree on one important point – any recipe I make has to be worth the calories so it has to have a high “yum” factor. This is one of his favorite recipes – one that he enjoys with a glass of cold milk. Yum!
Double Chocolate Chip Cookies
Makes about 5 dozen
Preheat oven 375°
Ingredients:
3 ¼ cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
¾ tsp salt
1 1/3 cups butter, softened
1 ¼ cups granulated sugar
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
2 eggs
4 tsp. Mexican vanilla extract, if available – if not, use pure vanilla extract
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup milk chocolate chips
½ cup toasted chopped walnuts or pecans pieces (optional)
Mix Together:
Flour, baking soda & salt in a medium bowl – set aside. Beat butter and sugars in large bowl with an electric mixer on medium speed until light & fluffy. Add eggs & vanilla & mix well. Gradually beat in the flour mixture on low speed until well mixed. Stir in chocolate chips & optional nuts.
Drop by rounded tablespoons about 2 inches apart onto ungreased baking sheets or cookie pans.
Bake in preheated oven 8 to 10 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove from oven and let cool for 1 minute before removing cookies to a wire rack to cool completely.
Two Words Make All The Difference In The World
I do a lot of pondering in the shower – perhaps the humidity and steam open up my brain cells so that information can flow more freely. But, who knows? All I do know is that some of my best inspirations have come to me as I was sudsing up.
The other day – as I was doing just that – I had this epiphany. It dawned on me that we’ve all been told a great lie for the past-I-don’t-know-how-many-years. And, that great lie goes something like this: “you have to do what is right for you.” I can’t exactly remember when, but I’m sure that I’ve spoken those same words to someone at sometime because that’s the lie I’ve been led to believe would help someone arrive at the correct decision when faced with tough choices. It’s a lie that I’ve personally heard at least 1,000 times myself from various sources – popular culture, psychologists, teachers, parents, etc.
So, the epiphany I had was, yes, we do need to do what is right. Period. End it there and not include the two words “for you.” Why? Because doing what is right – period – is objective and is therefore in alignment with what is true, good and beautiful. It means that consideration for others has been taken into the decision making process and overrides our human tendency to be self-serving creatures – you know, that annoying, selfish attitude of “what’s in it for me?”
I realize that doing what is right – period – is not as appealing as living by the lie of “doing what is right for you.” And, the biggest reason is that doing so will usually require something that very few of us want to do or experience – sacrifice. After, all who in their right mind sets out to consciously sacrifice their own wants, needs, comforts and desires? Well, thankfully, many folks do so in big and small ways each day. They are the heroes among us – parents, teachers, soldiers, police officers, etc. They are just some of the folks who come to mind when I think of those who do what is right – period.
Men: Figuring Them Out is Not That Complicated
Recently, I was conversing with a twenty-something GenYer. She was talking about a couple she knew and that the male counterpart of this couple sometimes acted like a little boy. He wasn’t necessarily immature – but he just seemed little boy-like.
Without even thinking, I quickly responded, “why, all men are little boys at heart.” To which she responded quite seriously, “are they really?” “Yes, didn’t anyone ever inform you about that reality of life?”, I replied. She shook her head “no” a little sadly. My heart was saddened by the fact that the very intelligent, highly educated and accomplished young woman before me had never been “educated” about men. I also shared with her that, in my opinion, some of the saddest people I’ve ever encountered are men who have had that interior little boy either beaten out of them – figuratively, speaking – or neglected. There were 2 grown, mature men in the room who nodded in agreement and gave me looks of appreciation. I “got” them – and that doesn’t happen too often for men. Most women don’t even try to “get” men. Rather, they want to change them.
I was educated about men from the earliest age by my female relatives. What I really appreciate about that “education” is that it was based in reality and human nature. Neither political correct -ness, idealism nor romanticism played any role in that “education.” As my grandmother still says, “you have to face facts.” But most of us simply don’t want to “face facts” which has always puzzled me because facts are objective truth. And, the truth really does set you free. From what? – you might ask. Well, free from frustration, hurt, longing, loneliness – just to name a few things – as you struggle to form/manipulate/mold/create a relationship into an idea/dream that just may be unattainable or unrealistic. So, I truly appreciate and value what I learned – it’s helped me in ways that I could have never imagined.
And, because I know that there is a need, I’ll share some of the things I’ve learned in subsequent “Mondays With Medora” blogs this month. Obviously, this information will be directed at women – to which some of you may ask, “what about the guys?”. But, let’s face it – research has proven that women are the ones more likely to seek for answers to relationship issues far more than men. However, I will have some things for them later which you can forward. (Come on, you don’t really think your boyfriend/husband is searching the web for relationship advice, do you? If they are, they aren’t likely to admit it. They’d probably rather admit to viewing porn.) So, stay tuned by either subscribing for e-mail notification, “liking” me on FB and/or following me on Twitter so you can receive notifications of new postings.
THIS is THE Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Another One Bites the Dust….
Another marriage, that is. Sigh…double sigh… I sincerely feel for Sandra Bullock. According to published reports, her husband has been unfaithful. Normally the traumas and dramas of celebrities don’t directly affect me. But, if the story is true, then I’m truly sad for Ms. Bullock. I’ve never met her so I don’t know her. But I am sad because I have personally lived (the deja vu thing) the kind of pain she is probably experiencing right now. To have to live and deal with it publicly must make it all the more difficult. I can’t even imagine what it must be like – and I never want to know.
Why do people cheat? I don’t know – wish I did. But perhaps the question should not be why? but how can they? How can they break their word, destroy their family (even if it just a family of 2), be so selfish, hurt (if applicable) their children? I don’t know the answer to the how either.
What I do know is this – “Simple Truth” alert – there are NO excuses for cheating. None, zero, zip, nada. Indeed, there may be a myriad of reasons – but no excuses. What’s the difference between a reason and excuse? Simple : body parts -the head and the heart By definition, “a reason” is an attempt to logically persuade (the head) on the basis of underlying facts or causes that are the motives for an action, decision or belief. In other words, a cheater might try to appeal to someone’s intellect to explain their actions. An “excuse”, by definition, is an attempt to explain an offense in the hope that it will be understood, forgiven, allowed, accepted and/or overlooked. Excuses are used to tug at your heart. You know, the “poor, pitiful me” approach. I can almost always understand the reasons behind a behavior – that has to do more with psychology and circumstance. But please don’t insult my intelligence by expecting my heart to be touched by your excuses. Not when cheating leaves a trail of heartbreak, disappointment, devastation and pain. It is NEVER a good thing. Never.
So, again, the Simple Truth is that there is never an excuse to cheat. And, there is no reason that will ever be good enough to justify cheating. Be good to yourself (and others) and live your life with honor and dignity. If you give your word to someone – keep it, regardless of what anyone does or doesn’t do. Trust me, you’ll sleep better at night and life will be much simpler because you won’t be complicating it with dishonorable actions.
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